Over and Over and Over Again
by Center of the Galaxy
Summary: Sam got out of the time loop . . . right?


_**Author's Note: **__Another fill for an amazing prompt on OhSam. This is set in season late season 6, after Sam gets his soul, but before Castiel goes evil. Please enjoy! **Trigger warning for attempted suicide. **_

* * *

"_Cause it's all in my head_

_I think about it over and over again_

_I replay it over and over again."_

—_Nelly, "Over and Over"_

* * *

He still dreams about it.

After seeing his brother die before his eyes countless times, over and over again, it's hard not to, even though almost three years have passed. Still, for a year, his life consisted of waking up, trying to save Dean, failing and then repeat. How many different ways had he seen his brother killed? How many times had he come so close to saving him, only to fail at the very last second? There had even been a point during the loop that Sam had considered putting a gun to his head to get out. That had been one of his darkest times.

Still, time dulled the pain and while he still felt the need to seek out his brother to make sure he was still alive, the impulse had become easier to control. Surviving the Apocalypse, having the wall—all of that had made it easier for him to move on from those painful memories of the mystery spot. There were triggers still—a busy crosswalk, dinner specials, speeding cars—but the fear they summoned up were easily quelled with reassurances that yes, he was out of the time loop and no, Dean wasn't going to die today.

Not on Sam's watch.

"You okay?" Dean regards him curiously and Sam snaps out of his silent reverie. They're on the trail of a werewolf, a nice easy hunt meant to give Sam a break after the latest seizure. While Sam would rather be hunting down Eve or secretly trying to figure out what was behind the wall, he knew Dean needed this hunt more than his little brother. This hunt is a chance for his older brother to see that yes, Sam is okay and yes, Dean could still keep him safe.

It's a break before a bigger battle.

"Fine." His gaze darts from the calendar—seeing the word Tuesday still kind of freaks him out—and comes to rest on his brother's calm expression. "Just lost in thought." He smiles sheepishly.

"It's not the wall is it?" Dean's eyes widen and quickly Sam shakes his head. Running a hand through his hair, the youngest Winchester sighs softly.

"It's nothing, man." His brother doesn't seem to buy it, but lets the conversation die. "I'm going to get some rest. I'm still a little tired after the . . ." Hell seizure. Yeah, that definitely could take the energy out of you.

"Yeah, of course." Dean rises from the bed and moves over onto his own, pulling the laptop over to him. "Get some rest."

Climbing into bed, he tries to quiet his racing mind. Tomorrow would be just a normal Tuesday. Nothing bad would happen. Dean wouldn't die.

It would be fine.

Just fine.

* * *

_It was the heat of the moment._

He bolts upright and glances to his left. Dean beams and pulls his boot on.

"Rise and shine, Sammy!" He says it in the same cheerful tone he did all those Tuesdays ago.

This is the time loop, all over again.

Dean is going to die. Sam will be powerless to stop it.

"No." He shakes his head, trying to clear his brain. This couldn't be the time loop. They had broken it, hadn't they? Or had it all been a trick? He never got out after all, did he? "No, please."

"Sammy?" Dean's voice is tinged with worry and concern. He leans forward and places a strong arm on his younger brother's shoulder. Squeezing it tightly, he offers up some of his strength. "You okay?"

"It Tuesday." The youngest Winchester mumbles, the overwhelming grief hitting him like a ton of bricks. He was back in the loop. He never made it out. Everything was a lie!

"Yeah, it is." Dean replies, seemingly confused. "What's wrong?"

_It was the heat of the moment._

Sam reaches for the radio, yanks it out of the socket and tosses it against the wall. It shatters, the song fading into distorted crackles. Sam jumps out of bed and moves towards his duffel. He hears Dean's bed creak; can hear his brother's footsteps getting closer to him.

"I can't do this." Sam mutters, not caring if Dean understands. He won't go through another time loop. He won't sit by and watch his brother die. He's not strong enough this time. He can't do it!

"Sam, man," His older brother's voice hovers on the edge of freaked out and worried. "Talk to me. What's wrong?"

"You won't understand." He spent 40 Tuesdays trying to get his brother to understand. Dean never did. There was no point in wasting his breath now. His fingers brush against the cool metal and Sam grins, relieved. He pulls out his gun and places it against his temple.

"Sam! Whoa, hey, talk to me." Dean's arms are outstretched, pleading. He doesn't understand; Sam knew he wouldn't. "Look, is it the wall? Do you remember something?"

"It's Tuesday." Sam tells him calmly, his finger tensing on the trigger. His heart pounds within his ears. His lungs suck in oxygen, but they can't seem to get their fill. His vision wavers, but his grip on the gun is firm. He can't do this again. He won't do this again. Maybe this is the cowardly way out—Dean would certainly think so—but Dean didn't have watch Sam die over and over and over again and be powerless to stop it!

"Sam, tell me what that has to do with anything." Dean inches closer; he's trying to reach the gun. Sam's fingers twitch on the trigger and his older brother backs down. "Make me understand."

"You're going to die today," Sam state bluntly. "And I won't be able to stop it."

"What?" Dean echoes. "How do you know that?"

"I've been in a time loop—"

"No, we've got you out, remember? Gabriel is dead. You're not there anymore, Sam—" He reaches forward and Sam jerks back.

"Yes, I am!" He roars. "The song was playing and you were doing what you did all those mornings." He feels like he is free falling down into an abyss of despair and he is powerless to get out. "Dean, I can't do this again. I have to get out."

"Sam, I need you to trust me," His older brother begs. "C'mon, give me the gun."

"I can't." He's crying now, but he can't bring himself to care. None of this is real. He's trapped here and if shooting himself will get him out and back to his reality, then he's willing to do so.

"Okay, okay," It's odd to hear his brother sound so comforting. Dean's usually the strong one, the one who made creatures tremble for messing with him. Yet, here he is, doing his best to keep Sam calm. "Then, you gotta do me a favor."

"What?" It catches him off-guard.

"Shoot me first." Dean states frankly; Sam's eyes widen. "If we're back in the time loop, then I don't want to be here either. Shoot me if you're sure."

"I'll k-kill you!" Sam stammers.

"It sounds like I'm dead either way." Dean holds his arms out and waits.

"Dean, I . . ." The gun shakes in his grasps and doubt hits him; the what-ifs taunting him. Could he risk Dean's life? If he's wrong—

"Put the gun down." The eldest Winchester says calmly.

Sam obeys. The metal clangs onto the carpet.

"Dean, I'm—"

Strong arms hold him securely and pull him close. Aftershaves mixed with gunpowder fills his nose, the smell of his childhood.

"You made it out of the loop, remember?" Dean tells him fiercely. "I'm alive and we're going to get through this Sam, okay?" Concerned green eyes lock onto his. "I'm not dying today, Sam, and neither are you. Okay?"

Sam smiles, tears clouding his vision and nods his head.

"Okay, Dean."

And for the first time since escaping the loop, it finally felt like it was.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **__I love Mystery Spot way too much for my own good. Please review if you have a second! Thanks. _


End file.
